The Archive

Imagine if Roman Abramovich didn’t just own Chelsea but insisted on playing for them. A 58-year-old compatriot does just that back home, writes Dan Brennan

Picture the scene: on a sub-zero Saturday afternoon, in the Russian Republic of Udmurtia, 1,000km east of Moscow, Gazovik-Gazprom Izhevsk are leading 2-1 at home to Neftekhimik in the final game of the Russian Division Two (Urals-Volga region) season. Then, in the 35th minute, a familiar refrain booms out over the PA system: “Tumaev is entering the pitch!” Ten minutes later Gaz-Gaz are awarded a penalty. Vladimir Tumaev steps up and misses, but seconds later he makes amends, firing home a shot from the edge of the area and his team eventually win the match 3-2. It was Tumaev’s ninth goal in almost 150 competitive matches for Gaz-Gaz. Not a great average for a centre-forward. But then, these days, the 58-year-old’s appearances are generally restricted to cameos from the bench. And nobody is going to drop him – he owns the club.

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Things to be happy about at Christmas

There is, as you may have gathered, quite a lot that leaves us concerned, unhappy or downright angry about the game today (as always). But, despite it all, there is so much that raises a smile, so many reasons why what’s wrong with football is worth caring about. In the spirit of the season, rather than the usual setting the world to rights, we’ve decided to remind ourselves of what is, already, right with the world.

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It's all in the small print. Ben Lyttleton tells us why Sir Brian Mawhinney is taking on the FA over the role of agents

Sir Brian Mawhinney, the Football League chairman, has blamed the FA and the Premier League for failing to resolve the issue of dual representation of agents in a new set of regulations that were passed by the FA Council in November. He should have saved some of his frustration for FIFA, whose intransigence on clearing up an ambiguity in their regulations has turned the issue into a major debate.

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Tuesday 1 Chelsea’s 1‑0 Champions League defeat at Real Betis is apparently their worst performance under José: “The first half was too bad to be true.” Liverpool lead the group after a 3‑0 win over Anderlecht, during which the visitors’ Nenad Jestrovic is sent off for racially abusing Momo Sissoko. Rangers can still progress despite a 2‑2 draw in Bratislava against Artmedia. It emerges that a Roy Keane interview for MUTV in which he heavily criticised team‑mates was not broadcast on Sir Alex’s insistence. Luton’s 4‑0 defeat at runaway Championship leaders Sheffield Utd is made worse by the news that plans for a new ground are to be scrapped. Mike Newell is unhappy with his board: “These people have been in charge for 18 months, so why has it taken them 18 months to find out they can’t build a stadium?” Millwall are four points adrift at the foot following a 2‑1 defeat at Burnley. Peter Shirtliff is named Mansfield manager.

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Chester v Wrexham, a threat to national security? Mark Howell investigates

Five years ago, Chester City were struggling at the foot of the Conference, and had American despot Terry Smith picking the team. City fans were running an official boycott, standing right throughout the winter months in shocking conditions outside the Deva Stadium, 12 hours a day, six days a week. Eight miles up the A483, that season our arch rivals Wrexham were rebuilding their ground and a team that would eventually be promoted to what is now League One the following year.

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