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Hayes of confusion

Do you ever see a picture of a player and come up confidently with half a dozen names for him? Matt Nation knows the feeling, especially with one former Arsenal man

A recent article on European Union expansion  highlighted the problems Slovenia faces in trying to convince people that it is who it says it is. People who try to point it out on a map usually end up putting their finger on Serbia & Montenegro. The flag gets confused with the Russian one. Even George W is convinced Slovenia is half of what used to be Czechoslovakia.

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A familiar affair?

Is David Beckham "the most famous person in the world"? Perhaps the most ubiquitous, with his affairs in the papers, his official lookalike aiming for the charts and his sleeping body in an art installation. Barney Ronay tries to work out what it all means

A spell abroad at a glamorous foreign club, a Gucci-clad celebrity wife, Eastern-themed parties at their palatial home, a bogus kidnap scare, a series of hushed-up extra-marital dalliances – and finally a homosexual affair with Paul Scholes. Actually, this last detail appears to be the only major distinction between the lifestyles of Conrad Gates, blond-highlighted Eng­land skipper in the television series Footballer’s Wives, and our own David Beckham. While Conrad happily puts it about in the showers, Becks, we assume, has yet to swing that way. Although nothing, it seems, is to be taken for granted. Over the last month we have been confronted with a new version of David Beckham. Gone is the uxorious cultural icon who once inspired Julie Burchill to exclaim that in the face of his “breathtaking boldness and beauty… the clamour and loutishness of modern celebrity recede”. In his place we have a leering philanderer, a preening fraud and the possessor of a secret “mistress phone” on which he “lays bare his deepest cravings”. 

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The moral highlands

Dingwall, home of Ross County, is the smallest town in Great Britain with a senior league club. Gordon Cairns explains the secret of their success against Inverness

When the Scottish Football League was formed in 1890, the founding members gave their new organisation a very misleading title. The clubs were clustered within Scotland’s industrial heartland – the central belt – and could hardly be said to represent the nation. Only now, with two Highland teams, Inverness Caledonian Thistle and Ross County, on the cusp of the Premier League, can top-level football truly be seen to encompass the country. These two teams have reached this position ten years after admission, but whether they can take the next step up depends on the whims of the clubs who make up the Premier League.

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Preservation game

Chaos and farce reign in Scotland, where the Premier League's anti-groundsharing stance has been underminded from within. Chris Fyfe makes some sense of it all

That Partick Thistle are bottom of the Scottish Premier League this season is primarily due to having a very poor manager for the first 14 games. By the time Gerry Collins was shown the door the struggling Glasgow club had two points and were destined for bottom spot. But life in the SPL is never simple. Thistle will not know if they are relegated until May 30. This is the deadline set by the SPL to the two aspiring First Division clubs (Clyde and Inverness Caledonian Thistle) and also Falkirk to find a ground to share that has the 10,000 seats required for promotion.

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Picking the Ron moment

Is ITV's former pundit an idiot, a racist, or both? Al Needham wonders whether that is what matters most about a pundit's fall from grace, or whether his fate tells us how far we have come and how far we have to go

In the end, after all the finger-pointing, hair-shirt wearing, editorials and think-pieces, the only truly shocking thing about what Ron Atkinson said was that, for pretty much the first time in his public life, he came out with a phrase that came frighteningly close to plain English. He didn’t describe Marcel Desailly as “totally nigmatic with his workrate, to be enocular”. He refrained from mentioning that the Chelsea defender had been “giving it big lips all game”. He didn’t even advocate giving minorities the full gun, or bunging them in the mixer.

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