Nor for the first time, Dick has been dastardly. Advocaat has turned his back on Australia despite signing a contract to coach them to the 2010 World Cup, leaving the Socceroos in the lurch. Matthew Hall reports

In November, Dick Advocaat guided Zenit St Petersburg to their first league title since 1984 with a win over Saturn Moscow. The Dutchman was thrown in the air by celebrating players and came back to earth with a bump and an offer for a one-year contract extension worth $4 million (£2m) after tax. Considering the offer, Advocaat did what many men in his position might have. He switched off his mobile phone

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Gretna’s fairytale rise is having an unhappy ending, with a calamitous debut season in the SPL. Neil Forsyth reports

Features on the current league position of a football team can be tinged with danger for monthly periodicals. In the case of Gretna, however, there is little risk involved. They are bottom of the SPL at the time of writing, they will be bottom when you read these words and it is looking increasingly likely they will be bottom when the campaign wraps up in distant May.

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Promotion to the top flight should be cause for celebration. But what if a club are simply not prepared for the task ahead? David Squires remembers when Swindon conceded 100 goals in a Premier League season

In 1993, Swindon Town reached the top flight of English football for the first time in their history. A dramatic 4‑3 victory in the play-off final against Leicester City led to scenes of wild jubilation, as supporters gleefully celebrated their team’s ascent to the Premier League – an uncharted land of squad numbers, fireworks and dancing girls.

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Jon Spurling braces himself for a festive football hangover

Along with communal baths, a crafty drag on a cigarette in the toilets, and swigging a bottle of brown ale with the lads, Christmas parties are entwined in the fabric of English football. “The players have talked of little else for weeks,” confided Ian Rush – dressed in Beefeater garb for Liverpool’s bash – to a BBC reporter in 1992. “All the lads have made the effort to dress up,” added Rushie, as Bruce “The Joker” Grobbelaar and John “Dick Turpin” Barnes  staggered past clutching empty Grolsch bottles. Despite the cameraman’s best efforts, viewers also saw David Burrows – clad as an SS officer – flicking sieg heil salutes, at a time when Israel striker Ronnie Rosenthal was with the club. The whole interview encapsulated perfectly many of the idiosyncrasies of English football: heavy boozing and distasteful pranks were acceptable if they helped forge team spirit.

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Oleguer Presas is not Barcelona's biggest name, but the politically minded Catalan is certainly a big noise. As Martin del Palacio Langer explains, the defender's views have divided a country – but not a region

Even an armchair fan would recognise the players in the Barcelona starting line-up: Ronaldinho, Messi, Henry, Zambrotta. But there is one name that seems rather out of place among the world stars: Oleguer Presas.

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