The government believe the Football Disorder Bill can end hooliganism, Ken Gall reports from Westminster
One of the great travesties of history is the legend of King Canute, who is remembered – if at all – as some kind of megalomaniac who thought he could control the tides. Canute, however, was actually the wise man of the tale, attempting to demonstrate to his credulous courtiers that there were limits to the events over which even a monarch could legislate.
Clubs are spending too much cash on foreign players
Here are some opinions that you might have read in the papers recently. There are too many foreigners playing football in Britain at the moment. There aren’t enough foreigners playing football in Britain at the moment. There are too many of the wrong kind of foreigners playing football in Britain at the moment.
Monday 3 French striker Robert Pires confirms that he is to sign for Arsenal, saying: “I would have preferred to have played for Real Madrid but I am happy to link up again with my French friends.” Middlesbrough announce that they are prepared to give Paul Gascoigne a free transfer.
Tuesday 4 Brazil withdraw from the contest to stage the 2006 World Cup in exchange for getting African support for their bid in 2010. Franz Beckenbauer is aghast: “What happened is horse trading and now their vote will probably go against Germany.” Concacaf ’s Jack Warner claims to have suggested to the FA that they pull out. “They will be humiliated. The writing is on the wall and as a friend I thought I’d tell them.” Valerenga of Norway become the latest club to turn down the chance of taking Paul Gascoigne on loan. “We are not a summer rehabilitation centre,” sniffs their chairman. Dino Zoff resigns as Italy coach a day after being publicly criticised for “amateurish” tactics by Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi. Luton manager Lennie Lawrence is sacked by the club’s new board.
Thursday 1 After a week of indecision Martin O’Neill finally takes over at Celtic, saying: “You would be mad to think you could repeat what Jock Stein did, but I am mad.” Steve Walsh is to apply for the Leicester vacancy, with Tony Cottee as his assistant. Somehow you expect them to be turned down. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink joins Chelsea for, ulp, £15 million and declares: “I am going to give 100 per cent, but will that be enough?” Libya’s gold reserves may be under threat after it is announced that Terry Venables is the preferred choice to succeed Carlos Bilardo as national coach.
Ian Plenderleith investigates the best and worst websites offering 'sidesways glances' to the game
If you think Private Eye’s satire on the travails of Neasden FC and its two top fans Sid and Doris Bonkers ran out of steam around 20 years ago, then try the new, strictly non-profit, online fanzine All The Pies. It’s punchy, semi-anarchic, and has the potential, you feel, to get funnier.