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Simon Tyers on Tim Lovejoy and other presenters switching jobs

After years of being downplayed as a near‑unnecessary calendar filler, the Carling Cup is finally being seen as a competitive target for the big clubs once again, with members of the modern Big Four lifting the trophy in four of the last six seasons. Sky Sports are keen to act as cheerleaders for this unlikely rejuvenation, to give the impression of holding a greater nap hand of live football coverage. So they’ve given a Carling Cup presentation job to Tim Lovejoy.

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Cameron Carter bemoans Sky 3's obsession with Manchester Utd

Digital television, if it were a person, would register at a high point on the autistic spectrum – nervous as it is of any change, limited in imagination and happiest when repeating its behaviour. Sky 3 is a very digital channel. Their latest big documentary idea was George Best – Football Genius, first shown on October 24 and which is certain to run and run.

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Cameron Carter gets more than an eyeful

Often technology, while improving the quality of one part of our lives, has an adverse effect on another. And so it is with widescreen television, because, while it allows us to see Alan Shearer, Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker’s arm and shoulder in one shot – wider than we’ve ever seen before – it also gives us the unholy spectacle of Shearer’s too-tight trousers in fuller detail than we could ever need. Watching the England v Argentina punditry in widescreen “cinema” mode, I could descry the exact lie of the man’s genitals, right down to the fact that he is clearly not of Orthodox Jewish faith. This detracted from my enjoyment of thousands of Argentina fans looking shell-shocked and, indeed, if I know in advance that Shearer is guesting again in the studio I shall make sure I am watching on the grainy upstairs portable. Also his trousers are shiny grey, like an employee of the Trumpton biscuit factory.

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Cameron Carter struggles to see the funny side

It’s been a bit of a month for weak jokes. On September 15, John Helm interrupted his commentary on Bolton v Lokomotiv Plovdiv on Five to make a pun that is even now being investigated by forensic humorists in search of traces of comedic activity. John said: “Lokomotiv look rattled. Excuse the pun – Lokomotiv, rattled.” That was the entirety of his joke. Now we all know that his co-commentator that evening, Terry Butcher, is a brave lad who carries on playing when his head is broken, but even Terry bottled it when it came to asking for some form of explanation. Instead a wondering silence ensued until John returned to his day job.

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Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but Simon Tyers isn't too impressed with the coverage copycats

As usual, it’s Sky’s fault. Not for everything, of course, but as soon as they come up with a new way of approaching football coverage it gets copied by the terrestrial channels using a heavily smudged blueprint. They bring us Andy Gray and his computers, eventually we get the Tactics Truck. They invent the top-corner screen display, Five run with one that seems at times to take up a quarter of the screen.

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