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Live non-League coverage bemuses Cameron Carter

Setanta, having promised its subscribers that it will bring them closer to football with its coverage of the Blue Square Premier League, has proceeded to zoom in so close as to make its subject almost unrecognisable. Encountering affairs such as Halifax Town v Grays Athletic (Setanta Sports 1) transports the day-tripping mollycoddled big-game viewer to the unnerving world of football stripped of its usual lush soundtrack. Here one is exposed to the individual bellowing of team coaches – be it the complex polysyllabic cry of “Give it wide!” or the beautiful rhythmic simplicity of “Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben!” – as we become eavesdroppers on this raw, pitch-perfect reality.

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Thursday 1 Neil Warnock says no so Portsmouth want to talk to Harry Redknapp. Celestine Babayaro and Tim Cahill receive three-match bans for exchanging blows in last week’s Everton v Newcastle match.

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Sunday 1 Spurs thrash Villa 5-1 to move into a UEFA Cup spot. “Spurs have pushed on because they’ve made a big investment,” says David O’Leary, loud enough for Doug Ellis to hear. Man Utd’s 4‑0 win at Charlton (“For the last six weeks our defending has been chronic,” sighs Alan Curbishley) puts them a point behind Arsenal. Rangers are two points behind Celtic after a 3‑1 win at Aberdeen.

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Saturday 1 Leeds are bottom of the Premiership after a 4-1 home defeat by Arsenal. Mark Viduka is left out of the squad after missing a players’ meeting and arriving late for training. “If I started looking over my shoulder with all this speculation, I wouldn’t be able to look forward,” quips Peter Reid. Chelsea beat Everton 1-0 at Goodison Park, but defeat fails to stop Wayne Rooney dressing up as Oliver Hardy for his 18th birthday party, where guests include Atomic Kitten, Robbie Williams and “more than 200 friends”. Man Utd beat Portsmouth 3-0 at Old Trafford, Cristiano Ronaldo pausing long enough between performances of the hokey-cokey to score his first goal for the club, while at White Hart Lane Jay-Jay Okocha inspires Bolton to a 1-0 win over Spurs. Manchester City beat Southampton 2-0 at St Mary’s amid rumours that Nicolas Anelka’s absence from the City side is a consequence of his failure to attend a clay pigeon-shooting trip. “Mills is just a fucking idiot,” observes the usually unflappable Paul Ince after Danny Mills’s altercation with Lee Naylor creates confusion from which Gaizka Mendieta scores Boro’s first goal in a 2-0 victory over Wolves – a surly afternoon ends with police quelling a full-time mêlée in the tunnel.  First Division leaders Wigan beat Crystal Palace 5-0, Andy Liddell’s two goals making him the club’s all-time highest goalscorer. Wimbledon win their first game at Milton Keynes, 2-1 against Bradford, but stay bottom. West Brom’s Darren Williams faces a police investigation for kicking a spare ball off the pitch and injuring a woman in the crowd during the goalless draw with Sunderland. QPR are the only club in the top nine of the Second Division to win, beating Stockport 2-1 at Edgeley Park and moving up to third place. Leaders Plymouth draw 2-2 with Oldham, while Brighton also draw 2-2 against Peterborough in Mark McGhee’s first match in charge. In Division Three, leaders Hull are held 2-2 at home by Macclesfield, allowing Doncaster and Oxford to edge closer as both win.
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Saturday 1 Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink thumps in a header at St James’ Park, but it’s for Newcastle who go on to win 2-1 and move into joint second place. Debutant Jonathan Woodgate chances a prediction: “Yes, I think we can win the title.” Juninho marks his Middlesbrough comeback with the equaliser in a 1-1 draw against Everton, who move up into the fourth Champions League spot, though David Moyes is taking it steady: “Our next target is a top-half finish.” “This match was about the players who spilt blood,” says Glenn Roeder as a Di Canio-less West Ham draw level with Bolton after beating Spurs 2-0. Hope is receding for the other two in the relegation area, though Howard talks of a “near top-drawer performance” as Sunderland slide to a late and unlucky defeat, their sixth in a row in the league, 1-0 at Fulham. West Brom lose by the same score at Southampton. Portsmouth fans, banned from visiting the New Den, miss seeing their team thrash Millwall 5-0 . Wigan go 15 points clear in the Second with 3-1 win over Chesterfield. In the Third, Hartlepool’s stately progress  is slowed slightly by a 2-2 draw with local rivals Darlington. At the bottom end, Exeter stem a run of four defeats with a home point against the equally desperate Bristol Rovers.

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