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Australia missed out on the World Cup finals yet again. Matthew Hall watched them succumb to mild paranoia – and a better team – in Montevideo

Three strikes and you’re out, and a triple lash from Uruguay in Montevideo was enough to send Aus­tralia crashing out of the World Cup without qualifying for the finals for the seventh time in succession. The first and last time the Socceroos made it to the finals was in 1974. On the past five occasions Australia have been eliminated in sudden death play-offs, ag­ainst Scotland, Israel, Argentina, Iran and now Uru­guay. Con­spiracy theories, administrative blun­ders, plain bad luck and the comeback of Diego Mara­dona have all contributed to past failures.

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Saturday 1 Germany 1 England 5, and a hat-trick for Michael Owen after the home team had taken any early lead. “For a non-German it must have been a brilliant spectacle,” sighs Franz Beckenbauer. “I would have been happy with 2-1,” says Sven, containing his excitement. “When we scored the third, fourth and fifth goals we just looked at each other, trying to figure out what the hell was going on,” says a shocked David Beckham. Ireland’s 1-0 win over Holland means they will make the play-offs at least, while their opponents are out, tactical maestro and all. “The pitch was too dry, which made it more difficult for us to pass the ball,” Louis van Gaal explains. Wales and Scotland are held to goalless draws by Armenia and Croatia. Northern Ireland get a 1-1 draw in Denmark. An Englishman also makes the decisive contribution to events in Group 1 as a dubious last-minute penalty gives Slovenia a 2-1 win over Russia – referee Graham Poll is denounced as “a snivelling creep” by Russia’s Alexander Mostovoi. Former ITV commentator Brian Moore dies.

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Oceania's masterplan to attract the attention of the football world paid off spectacularly as an avalanche of goals in the World Cup qualifiers set new records. Matthew Hall  counted them all in

Nicky Salapu picked the ball from his net 57 times during his country’s four World Cup qualifiers over Easter, but then he is the goalkeeper for American Sam­oa, officially the worst national team in the world.

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Mike Ticher looks at Australians playing professionally in the UK

It took a long time for Australian players to be taken seriously in England, despite the success of some early pioneers. Joe Marston left Sydney to play 185 games for Preston in the early 1950s, and won a loser’s medal in the 1954 Cup Final. It was another twenty years before Craig Johnston followed in his footsteps. Tony Dorigo completed the meagre roll-call of Australians who made it in what might be called the freelance period. Dorigo had to write personally to every club in the First Division for a trial before finally coming over to join Aston Villa in 1983.

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