THE HALF DECENT FOOTBALL MAGAZINE

Helmond300

Helmond Sport’s badge serves as a kind of Rorschach Test for all those who come upon it for the first time. Helmond is an area of the Netherlands that is known for its exploration of the subconscious. 

The first subconscious restaurant was opened here in 1953, causing uproar even in this liberal land. One of the first diners was served snake, coinciding with his fear of domestic betrayal, while another, very overworked customer’s potatoes were served swamped with gravy. Rick Stein, when he visited recently, was served pork in the shape of a huge phallus. The restaurant was no longer a restaurant of the subconscious by this time - the new owners just thought he was a cock. 

For the record, most people encountering Helmond’s badge see a sea-lion drinking wine with a coaster. This reflects an optimistic outlook on life. A significant amount of others see a swivel chair and a football getting a thumbs-up from a giant, reflecting a desire for approval from authority figures. Some see a lake polluted with corpses beside a bank of red sand and these people were born to kill. Cameron Carter

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