In the forest of Nykoping there once lived an evil warlord who held the whole province in his thrall through terror and fear. Fear is not the same as terror of course: fear is what one experiences at an oncoming polar bear, while terror is the name we give to our feelings when we find ourselves in the front row at an open-mic comedy improv night.

The evil warlord wanted to reinforce his dominance by building an imposing and impregnable fortress, one that would repel all enemies while also symbolically demonstrating his dark side to the locals, in architectural form. He gave his instructions to the architect but, unfortunately, the architect went off sick (unusual in the Middle Ages) and his apprentice was forced to complete the work.

The result was a little teacup castle that inspired fear and loathing in absolutely no one and actually seemed to encourage the population to hold watercolour classes and tea parties outside its walls. When the warlord saw the finished building he was extremely angry and slew six of his favourite eunuch dressers before he could be persuaded to calm down and write a letter to the architect instead. Cameron Carter

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