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Rob Hughes wonders why so many football-related dramas fail to strike the right tone, especially in their action scenes

Lord knows they’ve tried. Ricky Tomlinson as England manager. Sean Bean tanking around in a Sheffield United strip. Sylvester Stallone between the sticks. Even Adam Faith as pint-sized proprietor of – oh yes – Leicester Forest (from a script by Jackie Collins, no less). All of them as inept, unconvincing and downright embarrassing as each other. So just why is it that films about football never work? Certainly not through lack of an audience. It’s a sport, lest we forget, adored by millions the world over, one with its own in-built dramatic arc. A ready-made fantasy in which slumdogs really can become superstars. Never mind Mike Bassett or Jimmy Grimble. Where’s our Raging Bull, our This Sporting Life? Even a Seabiscuit would do.

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Chelsea's money has raised standards, but has it put other clubs' finances under pressure?

Many people in Britain hold ceremonial titles, positions of office that sound grand but involve no real responsibilities. The Queen Mother used to be Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, which once involved collecting taxes and dealing with criminals in five towns on the south coast, while the actress Penelope Keith was similarly honoured with the title of High Sheriff of Surrey. Another such position is the chairman of Chelsea Football Club. This post is wholly meaningless, because all power in the club is invested in their billionaire owner, who can do what he pleases, when he pleases, with no constraints on the amount of money he chooses to spend and no requirement to justify any of his actions. The chairman’s role is simply to pretend to the world that Chelsea function like any other club, with a limit on their purchasing power and a long-term business plan.

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The mid-season money-go-round has been and gone but who are the real winners?

You know what to expect in the new year these days. Several clubs will field weakened sides in the FA Cup. A couple of high-profile players or their agents – this year it’s Dimitar Berbatov and Nicolas Anelka – will let it be known that they are looking for a move to a club “that will match my ambition”. And a couple of managers at least will complain about the transfer window. Step forward Steve Coppell – “I cannot see the logic in it, it brings on a fire-sale mentality” – and Gary Megson who, mirroring the outlook of the Europhobes who complain about the metric system having replaced imperial weights and measures, wants to see the window challenged in court. “Football clubs are told they have to do their business in a certain time, not when they would like to do it,” said Megson, who also echoed Coppell’s view that the window helps only the biggest clubs.

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Friday 1 Leeds’ administrators are to recount the votes taken at a creditors’ meeting, which appeared to narrowly favour Ken Bates’s proposed takeover. Nigel Worthington is to manage Northern Ireland until the end of their Euro 2008 qualifiers in November. England concede a last-minute equaliser in a 1‑1 draw with Brazil, John Terry having put them ahead in their return to Wembley. “The key thing was the amount of passion that the players showed,” says Steve McClaren, as desperate as ever.

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Tuesday 1 Liverpool beat Chelsea on penalties to reach the Champions League final. “In extra time we were the only team who tried to win,” says José, pouting more than ever. Joey Barton is suspended by Man City for a training‑ground fight with team‑mate Ousmane Dabo. The FA are to investigate Oldham chairman Simon Blitz, who made a £500,000 loan to Queens Park Rangers.

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