THE HALF DECENT FOOTBALL MAGAZINE

We've all got used to hearing about wing-backs and players who sit in the hole, but there are several other technical terms known only to football insiders. Here are explanations of just a few them

Consolationist Shakes his head sadly and pats arm of opponent who has just been sent off

Holdontologist Shapes as if to take throw-in several times before handing the ball over to a team-mate

Expressionist “Who, me? You must be joking!”

Abstract-Expressionist “Notions of truth and justice must be adhered to” (invisible card gesture)

Flappist Keeper incapable of gathering a cross

Gripographer Diplomatically restrains opponents during fracas by grabbing them round the throat

Nasalgobtometerist Waits till TV cameras have him in close-up then projects copiously by tapping the side of his nose

Pace-maker Indicates to the referee that the defensive wall is not back the full ten yards

Impressionist “I played the ball”

Post-Impressionist Stands motionless in the centre circle (does the simple things well)

Pointillist Indicates to the referee the exact spot from where the free-kick should actually be taken

Ruffulator Older player who seizes any opportunity to humiliate an opponent with more hair

Meteorologist Moves around very rapidly but nobody knows if he has any significance

Screamster Goalkeeper who expels feelings of hurt and inadequacy at every set piece

Struturalist Ex-international who parades in front of his own penalty area, thinking about a new career in TV

From WSC 141 November 1998. What was happening this month

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