A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday
28 February 2014 ~
Robin van Persie has complained that other players have been "occupying the spaces" he wants to play in this season. They would be the spaces in the starting XIs of Real Madrid, Barcelona or Bayern Munich, then.
Badge of the week ~ Flambeau de l'Est, Burundi
In this region of Burundi it is highly unlucky for a cat to show its arse to you. It is quite all right if the cat ignores you in the usual way and moves away with its tail down, but if the tail goes up (see image) as it leaves, this could mean an absolute meltdown in your private life. Variously recorded in the local newspaper and in hospital records and death certificates are details of what has befallen those who have publicly seen the cat's arse.
One man, an entertainer who beat people up in cages while wearing roller skates, saw the cat's arse and immediately forgot his wedding anniversary. Another man, a head waiter at a fashionable bistro, was "given the hot cross" one night on his way back from work and only two years later broke his collarbone falling out of a tree near a girls' school. The image is used by Flambeau de l'Est to show the cat's arse to their opponents on the pitch and thereby transmit ill-fortune. This practice is currently under review by the Burundi FA because it is arguably unsporting and people in modern Burundi are just better at complaining than their parents. Cameron Carter
from Mike Ticher
"I'm sure everyone's been wondering how William Gallas has been doing lately with Perth Glory. Not that well."
The Welsh FA's sponsorship link to Vauxhall meant that Chris Coleman announced his latest squad from a showroom. He should have done it from inside the car.
from Gareth Cogan
"The Sun's Graeme Bryce may have had a good idea for a punning introduction to his report on Newcastle Utd v Aston Villa. A shame that he went for this instead."
Richard Keys sums up some of the many household names he has the pleasure to work with. Including a less than fulsome tribute to Ray Wilkins: "Different, but there's a place for that."
Also in the news this week
Swearing causes match broadcast to be delayed.
Manchester City have finally found an "official global sports action camera partner".
A bizarre goal from Mexico. The goalkeeper may be blaming a freak gust of wind.