A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday
11 October 2013 ~
The only surprise about Joey Barton's widely reported attack on the England squad and Alex Ferguson is that he was even at a conference called "Leaders in Football".
Badge of the week ~ Bangkok Glass, Thailand
This is not just any old rabbit. This is the Bangkok Glass rabbit. Not the type of rabbit you keep in a hutch, not the type your dog would chase across a field, but a shrewd and powerful rabbit. You can tell by his expression. You would no more offer the Bangkok Glass rabbit a carrot than you would attempt to sing along to the Cocteau Twins. Many years ago, the people of Bangkok would prostrate themselves in supplication before this rabbit, asking for a sign to help them with their particular trouble.
Sometimes the trouble was a poor harvest, other times it was a difficulty with the temple flower rota. The most senior resident would ask Bangkok Glass Rabbit for an answer to their problem, or a sign, or, if not a sign, just to point with his paw at a multiple choice answer. Because of the sheer amount of knowledge the Bangkok Glass Rabbit had to draw upon, the wait for an answer could be days or weeks, with the townspeople having to set up temporary camp outside the burrow.
One terrible year, towards the end of the 16th century, there was a three week wait while the Bangkok Glass Rabbit held the exact expression as seen on the crest, at the end of which time he was heard to say "I'm sorry, what was the question?" This was a bad year for the Bangkok Glass Rabbit and a few townspeople crossed over that year to get their wisdom from the Phuket Rubber Cow. But generally speaking, he did come up with the goods and several of his answers (for example, "He who sows rice, harvests rice", "It is what it is" and "I'll get back to you on that") are still used to this day as modern Thai aphorisms. Cameron Carter
from Karl Laycock
"I strongly suspect that the listed mascots on Wikipedia for East Stirlingshire, East Fife and Cowdenbeath aren't genuine."
"The Footies will create a synergy never achieved before." Because the one thing football needs is another awards evening. Still it gives Alan Curbishley something to do.
from Gordon Jones
"If all the main England players wanted Harry Redknapp to be national team manager, as he claims in his new autobiography, they should have made their point by wearing these in the pre-match warm-ups. Might have psyched out the opposition too."
from Howard Fulton
"Last week's Howl highlighted a vintage Michael Owen tweet but I think he may have surpassed it now. It's the start of a series in which Michael sits on things for the first time. Next up, a sherry trifle ('wife not happy!')."
Also in the news this week
If you're going to be sent off for punching at least make proper contact
Arsenal's next kit is accidentally unveiled by Linford Christie and Thierry Henry
Oliver Stone "directs" a World Cup advert
Get with the programme A past match played this week in history
Lincoln City v Scunthorpe United October 13, 1979, Division Four
Doubtful about attending the next day's charity match at Sincil Bank? Not once you see that Miss Yorkshire TV Phillipa Dawson will be taking the kick-off. Unsure about the procedures for away travel to Portsmouth? Worry not, just call at the Travel Hut "and see Chris, Bill or Pete". Do you think 40p is too pricey for the Manns Party Night at Lincoln City FC Social Club? You'll change your mind once you've seen the "powerful and professionally presented show" by "top recording vocal guitarist Les Malcolm".
So many questions are answered in this one match programme, it could almost be your Guide To Life In 1970s Lincolnshire. And that's before you get to Phil Neale's questionnaire, "City Personality No. 6". Favourite meal? "Fish and chips." Best friend? "My wife." Favourite player? "None in particular." It's not easy to impress a Lincolnshire lad. So faced with the choice of watching Johan Cruyff, Franz Beckenbauer or Mario Kempes, Phil would probably opt instead for a plate of fish and chips.
Targeting the fan demographic "What have I got in common with Nobbs Sports Shop?" asks a smiling Kevin Keegan. Surprisingly, it's an ad, not an essay competition for newly adolescent schoolboys.
Result Lincoln 4 (Cockerill, Oates OG, Sunley,Harford) Scunthorpe 0
Lincoln Grotier, Guest, Neale, Watson, Saunders, Peake, Hobson, Carr, Harford, Sunley, Cockerill
Scunthorpe Gordon, Davey, Peacock, Grimes, Deere, Oates (Sub: Earl), O'Berg, Cammack, Green, Partridge, Pilling