THE HALF DECENT FOOTBALL MAGAZINE

A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday

29 July 2016 ~

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Terrible news. We've heard that there will not be a winner of the International Champions Cup because the Manchester derby in Beijing was cancelled. This caps off an awful summer for football – will such a prestigious competition ever be able to bounce back?

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Kita150Badge of the week ~ USC Kita, Mali
This is the region of Mali where the most intensive eating of nuts is recorded. The place is so big on eating nuts that they have just shoved a load of them, in full technicolour, on their football club’s badge. There was no discussion at the design meeting, the choice of image was clear. There are three (3) Nut Festivals in Kita every year.

The first one is straightforward enough, involving people dressed in traditional nut-gathering costume, on floats decorated with nuts of all types. The second Nut Festival is a little different – it involves a parade of nut floats also but there is the added ritual of The Assault of the Nut Horse. Here, a volunteer is dressed like a horse (cream chinos and a prosthetic nose) and runs through the town shouting “The nuts have failed you bastards!” (this is the closest translation we have into English). Then everyone assaults him. There was a near fatality in 2008 during the assault but the Nut Horse was found later to have an existing heart condition.

The third and final Nut Festival of the year is the Midwinter Nut Festival, in which the people go down to the coast to dance and feast and throw a nut into the sea. This is a fertility ritual of course and young tourist couples are often encouraged to throw a nut into the sea while everyone gathers around them chanting “Throw the nut into the sea you bastards!” (this is the closest translation into English we have). So yes, they like nuts here. Cameron Carter

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from Mark Higgins
“Not so much vandalism as some well placed marketing here.”

Airbus600

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Is there no end to Gary Neville’s talents?

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A failed attempt at the Lionel Messi/Luis Suárez penalty in Peru. The other team did well not to collapse with laughter

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Cristiano Ronaldo has expanded into blankets.

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Stuart Pearce’s suggestion for Sam Allardyce’s first England team. Stuart’s not in management at the moment.

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Also in the news this week
Fruit-themed kits in Spain
Anthony Martial is unhappy with his new number
Wimbledon move back on

 

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