March 14, 1978, League Division Four
14 March ~ Scunthorpe Borough Council placed an ad in this sparse, half-time readable programme for the following Monday's cabaret night at Baths Ballroom, featuring headline act the Nobodies. There could hardly have been a more apt musical accompaniment to Scunthorpe United in the mid- to late-1970s, where they squatted in the lower half of the Fourth Division and hoped that no one would notice. It largely worked. Brentford, though, were launching a promotion challenge, although they still had 14 games to play in the season's final six weeks. They squeezed in to fourth place by two points, ahead of Aldershot. Scunny finished with suitable anonymity in 14th.
"We are hoping that tonight will again see our supporters roaring us on," says Scunthorpe manager Ron Ashman gamely, a grand name of its era that possibly inspired Private Eye's ashen-faced Ron Knee. And don't forget that "attractive" Torquay will be here on Saturday in what will almost certainly be "an entertaining game" (as 16th v 12th in mid-March always is). I tell you, we were spoiled for quality football in Lincolnshire, completely spoiled. And it only cost a quid to get in at most, with kids and pensioners paying 40p. The Nobodies, though, cost a staggering £1.50. "We are the nobodies/Wanna be somebodies/We're dead/We know just who we are," Marilyn Manson – a close friend of Scunthorpe midfielder Vince Grimes – later sang in The Nobodies, an elegiac and touching tribute to his heroes at the Old Showground. Targeting the fan demographic "See Naples and Die, C. Nottingham and buy. Our GOALS are SATISFIED CUSTOMERS. FOLLOW the CROWDS to our SHOPS. YOU cannot LOSE if you are one of our SUPPORTERS." (Doesn't actually say what they sell.)
Result Scunthorpe 1 (Wigg) Brentford 1 (Murray)
Scunthorpe Crawford, Davy, Peacock, Oates, Deere, Czuczman, Grimes, O'Donnell, Keeley, Lumby, Wigg
Brentford Bond, Salman, Tucker, Shrubb, Kruse, W Graham, Carlton, J Graham, Allder, McCulloch, Phillips (teams as per programme)