THE HALF DECENT FOOTBALL MAGAZINE

A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday
6 September 2013 ~

The BBC have shown how out of touch with the modern game they are. Their Price of Football Survey 2013 includes the cost of a cup of tea, rather than a macchiato, and a pie instead of pan-fried veal cutlets on a bed of rustic herbs.

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AricaBadge of the week ~ CDC San Marcos de Arica, Chile
In the region of San Marcos stands a sun-bleached crag with a sheer and deadly drop to the valley far below. It is a desolate place. To go there is to know, as if for the first and only time, the futility, the humming pointlessness of existence. Here, of all the places in the world, the individual knows he is truly alone. It is a place, said by those who have been there, more desolate even than the silence after Davina McCall has cracked a joke and gurned at the camera on any one of her primetime television shows.

Scientists at the University of Santiago have measured the levels of Alienation here at 310 – dangerously high – four degrees higher indeed than that experienced by a middle-aged B&Q sales assistant in a red apron, listening to the morning's motivational briefing, delivered at 7.00am by a trainee manager with his first moustache. The club's full motto (for which there was not enough room on the badge) translates as "Arica! Forever Arica! But Honestly, What's The Point? I Mean, What Actually Is The Point?" Cameron Carter

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The Premier League seemed keen to perpetuate the idea that football only began in 1992, until a quick edit.

Villa450

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from Glenn O'Raw

"Darren Carter is a Blues legend, thanks to his play-off winning penalty in 2002. I'm a bit concerned though about his 'playing for Northampton Town' photo on his Wikipedia page."

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from Matt H
"Nothing says 'authentic Italian experience' like Nottingham Forest favourite Jason Lee, born in London, hosting an interview with Ian Breckin, from Rotherham."

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from Jonathan Paxton

"After a recent WSC correspondent pointed out how Portuguese commentators were prone to pronounce Emile Heskey's first name as 'Emily', it appears there is a precedent – as this clip from a Rod Hull and Emu programme shows. A young Emile shows a clean pair of heels, the ability to throw a sidestep and, in donating his prize to charity, a rare slice of altruism from a professional footballer."

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Also in the news this week

A Brazilian physio is the last line of defence
The perils of rushing a corner

Coca Cola's official World Cup 2014 campaign song. Tap your feet, rot your teeth

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Get with the programme A past match played this week in history

Accies-v-BrechinHamilton Academical v Brechin City September 15, 1984, Scottish Division One
"No one inside Douglas Park is blowing any trumpets," club secretary Alan C Dick informs us. "The reason? The East Fife reversal still hurts." But isn't that always the case where brass bands have fallen silent? Meanwhile, there lurked within the Accies' editorial office an old school man of letters, who describes Brechin forward Gordon Malone as being "endowed with a fair measure of resolution and panache".

And from the Clydebank 0-0 Accies match report we learn: "With Bankies midfield ace Gerry McCabe being closed down… the flow of passes from the Hamilton resident's left peg was negligible, resulting in the home attackers receiving only a modicum of balls at their feet."

The Reserves' 1-0 win over St Johnstone, moreover, saw the second string "emerge victorious after a struggle of jigsaw proportions". Fortunately, goalkeeper Rikki Lambert is on hand to lower the tone by stating in the Up Close and Personal section that, "given the choice", he would spend the night with "Susan George and Jane Fonda on a desert island". Perhaps that's why he was so distracted during The East Fife Reversal.

Hype hype hooray: The mag's guide to Brechin City forecasts that today's match "should be one for the purists" (it wasn't).

Result Hamilton 0 Brechin City 1

Hamilton Ferguson, Wright, Day, McNaught, McDougall, Hamill, Pelosi, Clark, Phillips, Forsyth, McCurdy 

Brechin Neilson, Watt, Lapsley, Hay, Young, Stewart, Campbell, Mackie, Hyslop, Fleming, Eadie (as per programme).

Ian Plenderleith

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