Use superlatives wherever possible, as often as possible.
"Oh, what a lovely left-foot that boy has. My word."
"A wonderful piece of play, my word that was exceptional defending."
"He's got a wonderful leap and that was an excellent header there, my word that was travelling."
"Fabulous technique from little Luka/David/Rafa/Luis/Chicharito there, my word, he's an incredible footballer, I have to say, he really is."
"He's an incredible athlete, he really is, my word he's covered some ground today and his passing, my word, it's been first-class."
"That was an exceptional strike from the young man there, my word, we know he has a foot like a wand and boy did he show it there. Exceptional football, from both sides at times, I have to say."
Mention that you have met all of the players, loads of times, as often as you can crowbar it into a sentence (sometimes even if you can't).
"Have you ever had the pleasure of meeting Heidar, Rob? I have. What a lovely guy. He's a lovely chap. What a lovely human being."
"The lads at Chelsea did a hell of a lot of charity work when I was there, Martin. They're all lovely lads. A set of really good lads. Some of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet."
"Yeah I spoke with him beforehand, Rob, and he was talking about the playing surface. He's one of the nicest chaps you could ever wish to meet."
Sensationalise everything, and tell some lies if you like because everybody knows football fans are all fickle swines who can't remember the game two weeks ago but can remember losing on penalties to Shrewsbury in the League Cup in 1991.
"Gareth Bale, he's an incredible talent, one of the best there is. He's been exceptional for two years now."
"Cor, imagine if Ledley King hadn't suffered those injuries, imagine how good he would've been for England and Tottenham."
"Yakubu is one of the best about. He's been in good form for the last couple of years and he always comes alive in the box."
"This league is the best there is, there isn't another competition like it anywhere in the world. That's why the best players in the world play here."
Completely change your opinion on how a team's season will go within the space of 70 minutes and not even realise you have completely contradicted yourself.
"Bolton look like a really good side under Owen Coyle. I must say, they pass it well. They have a goal threat and they have some very good technical footballers in their ranks. I wouldn't be surprised to see them challenging for a Europa League spot this year, Rob, I have to say."
Liverpool then set-about making Bolton look like amateurs and establish a 3-0 lead.
"I think Bolton are going to struggle this year, Rob, I have to say. I was worried about them before the season started and I'm worried about them a tad more after today, I have to say. My word, they're all over the place and lack a goal threat. I think it could be a long, hard season for Owen. Though Owen is one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, I have to say."