A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday
15 August 2014 ~

With the Premier League starting tomorrow, chief executive Richard Scudamore says the notorious Game 39 plan “will happen at some point”. Let’s hope he’s right. The extra £5 million each club would apparently earn should make a vital contribution towards paying the wages of a reserve centre-half and an erratic winger who is stopping off here en route to MLS.

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Annagh150Badge of the week ~ Annagh United FC, Northern Ireland
In the wild forest outside Annagh there lived a troll who challenged all who passed over his bridge. It wasn't really the troll's bridge, it belonged to Lord Annagh and was built by the tenants of his estate, but one thing you tend to find about trolls is that they are no respecters of legal documents.

Whenever someone tried to cross the bridge, they would get barely halfway across before a booming voice came at them from below. "Who crosses my bridge?" came the voice. At this point, the bridge crossers could be split into two recognisable types: the type who dropped their pig, hitched up their breeches and ran, and the type who stood their ground and answered, thus: "I am an honest merchant and I come to sell my wares."

Then the troll would say: "I'm sorry, I will need your full name and postal address before you cross, just for my records. I apologise for any inconvenience. It helps me to monitor traffic on the bridge and hopefully provide a better service." He wasn't a completely frightening troll. He was just a bit too pleased with himself is all. He is alluded to on Annagh United's badge as symbolic of someone who is conscientious in their work, like footballers should be. Cameron Carter

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from Mike Bayly
"Belper Town's Wikipedia page recently suggested that the club were making pre-emptive plans for an assault on Europe."

Belper500

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from Brad Woodhouse
"The Sun are up to their usual standards. The opponents are wrong (it was Parma), the mascot is quite clearly hugging Roy Keane and, most serious of all, that's Bella the Lion, not Hercules."

VillaSun350

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The Football League should consider varying the standard 1.09 given to match highlights on YouTube. Otherwise unusually eventful games, like the 12-goal Dagenham v Brentford League Cup tie, flash by in a bit of a blur.

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Two years ago, Diego Poyet was tweeting this. Now him and Stewart Downing are team-mates at West Ham.

PoyetDowning300

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Also in the news this week
"Welcome to Vanchester"
An artist's impression of Steven Gerrard
Cristiano Ronaldo would like to be taller

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