THE HALF DECENT FOOTBALL MAGAZINE

Robbie Fowler. If someone in the office, a friend, a brother, whoever had acted like he had you’d reassess your job, social life, genes. Joe Boyle

Frank Leboeuf. Acts like he won the World Cup single-handed, rather than being the late replacement. Takes dives, but sounds off about others reacting when he tackles/fouls them. Moans constantly. Philip Cornwall

Gary Neville. Moderately talented, ditchwater dull and obnoxious. John Williams

Michael Owen. The backlash starts here. Anthony Hobbs

Must be Marc Overmars. He knew exactly what he was doing against Sheffield United in the Cup. I don’t necessarily agree with replaying the game but what Overmars did was cynical in the extreme. Mark Howell

Jim Dick of Ayr United. A number of seasons ago Jim made an obscene gesture to the Clydebank fans, making him (and his surname) fair game. Jim normally gets himself sent off against us, but this season was only a substitute. It’s not often the sub gets subbed but he did. I’m afraid the abuse is unprintable.There’s also Paul “Submarine” Scholes, but then you English chaps never seem to notice his diving.  David Munro

Being an understanding sort of person, I was prepared to overlook the wrongdoings of Gascoigne, Collymore and Merson as manifestations of mental illness. Therefore Nicolas Anelka, sublimely talented, unimaginably rich and permanently in a sulk over nothing, gets the nod. Ian Cusack

Pierre van Hooijdonk, who set such high sulking standards early on in the season which were never matched. Even when he came back for Forest, he was never too far away from committing hugely irritating niggly fouls on some poor centre-half.  John Earls

Alan Shearer
. Twice as rich nowadays but only half the player, he’s become a bitter old pro, difficult, distant and disdainful. He never was Mr Happy exactly but he’s definitely Mr Grumpy now. Dave Robinson

For Swansea fans it had to be the very wonderful ginger sloth Aiden Newhouse. His increasing ineptness on the field of play and total disregard for the fans off it made him appear to be the Third Division equivalent of Boris Yeltsin – a lumbering fat-arse who could hardly stand on his own two feet properly, let alone aim the ball in the direction of the goalmouth. AS Thomas

From a Forest perspective, I am probably obliged to say that many people have developed some antipathy towards Pierre van Hooijdonk. I sympathised with his strike, as I felt that anyone who was in dispute with our directors must have something to recommend them. His lack of commitment and application in the second half of the season diminished my affection, though he still doesn’t causes me to spit with rage like the petulant, dirty Alan ShearerPadraig McKenna

Joint winners: Pierre van Hooijdonk and Stan Collymore for (dis)services to the game and totally abusing the rights of the modern day player. Nigel Harris

Ian Wright. So universally admired, and so easily forgiven. I don’t understand. David Wangerin

There’s so much competition. After considering the options I’d plump for Alan Shearer. Not because he’s a dislikeable guy, but because the press still regard him as a superstar. He’s lost his cutting edge and shouldn’t be playing for England. If he keeps on fouling he’ll end up playing for Rotherham United. Richard Darn

You’ve got to give it to Robbie Fowler for his sheer work rate. The lad has a nose for annoying fans: missing a game for England because of a sore nose, using said nose to agitate Everton fans in a witty but stupid display, getting it busted in a fight, still wearing those daft plasters on it... Gary Parkinson

Without question Paul Merson. Recently some­body accused me of having a “hatred for him which is almost pathological”. For the first time in ages I felt quite proud of myself. Harry Pearson

From WSC 149 July 1999. What was happening this month

Related articles

It’s time for UK footballers to follow US athletes and get political
Embed from Getty Images NFL players such as Colin Kaepernick have become powerful voices in American political life, yet in the UK footballers...
Weekly Howl 05-08-16
A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday 5 August 2016 ~ --- Brazil are being criticised for drawing their...
Southampton 4-1 Liverpool, Division One, 1990
22 February ~ Southampton welcome Liverpool to St Mary’s today with both clubs chasing a Champions League spot. Early in the 1989-90 season league...