A small portion of despair and enlightenment delivered to your inbox every Friday

27 May 2016 ~

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José Mourinho has finally been appointed Manchester United manager after tortuous negotiations about his image rights. You didn't get this problem with David Moyes.

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Khangarid150Badge of the week ~ Khangarid Club, Mongolia
The winged ogre of Khangarid was a fearful creature. An inveterate pouncer, he would pounce on anyone or anything, just for the hell of it. Other monsters and ogres have some sort of motivation – eating young girls, eating goats, attachment issues in early childhood – but the Khangarid ogre was basically doing it for a laugh.

This was even more frightening for locals because it was much harder to predict a pounce. Two priests were pounced upon while drinking oat cereal for breakfast – one of them died of fright, so the account goes, while the other one cried milk through his nose. Most ogres didn’t operate before about 5pm, so this jentacular assault was shocking for the whole community. There were plenty of priests to go round but to attack them at this time in the morning seemed to raise the ogre atrocity bar. One time a hill farmer was jumped during sexual congress. No one was hurt but the farmer and his wife felt violated and had to repaint their bedroom.

Stories of the pouncing ogre started to disappear with the advent of better communications to the outside world and better stories coming in from China about an ogre who wore a wide-brimmed hat and killed people while whistling. The pouncing ogre is remembered, though, in Khangarid Club’s crest, to strike fear into the heart of the opposition, because no one likes to be pounced on, whether it be by an ogre or a World Wildlife fundraiser outside Boots. Cameron Carter

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Zlatan is launching his own sportswear brand, “for all you fighters”.

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Pigeon death lucky for Eric Cantona.

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Some small compensation for Newcastle.

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from Dave Burin
“Russia manager Leonid Slutsky has hands-down the best Playing Career section on Wikipedia.”

Slutsky500

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Frank Lampard will never forget his New York derby debut – even if he tries to.

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Also in the news this week
Rangers complain about everything
But Joey Barton is delighted to sign for them
Alan Pardew did a premature dance at Wembley
Peter Crouch also tried out some new moves

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