What items of utter rubbish are on your desk at the moment? Or is this just a homeworking thing? On mine there are:

* An MRI scan of my left knee
* A pipe tobacco tin full of batteries
* A congealed bottle of Tippex
* A six-way plug adapter
* A USB extension lead that's about 8cm long (Christ knows where that came from or what it's for)
* Rusty eyebrow tweezers
* Two plectrums
* 19 Euro cents
* A business card for a second-hand record shop in north Munich
* A piece of paper with the address of a cafe where I met up with someone two months ago
* A six-month old receipt for some spray to clean my monitor screen

You've got rusty eyebrows?

I usually have loads of crap on my desk, but we're being moved to desks about half the fucking size, so it's all packed away in boxes.

Half the size, twice the size, the clutter remains the same, I find. We're moving soon, to, to a place which has much less storage space. I think that's great news.

My desk is covered in all sorts of bits of paper. I try to stop people giving me bits of paper, but it doesn't always work.

I was highly distressed to return from a week's holiday to find my beloved filing system had been organised into a single pile of date-ordered documents.

I wish someone would do that for me. Then scan them, and throw the paper away.

Mine's normally a lot worse than this, but we had people round for a meal the other day and most of the stuff got swept into a drawer, or onto a shelf nearby.

* A rusty Stanley knife
* A Swiss Army officer's knife
* A multi-tool Allen-key thing
* An Opinel (I've never noticed how knife-heavy my desk is before)
* A Finnish Lapin Puukko knife (this is getting worrying)
* A campaign DVD about French miners' pensions
* Lists of stuff I should do or work on
* Five different Moleskine notebooks in various states of disrepair
* A jewellers' loupe
* A single page ripped out of a Michelin map of France and stuffed into a plastic holder
* Two J.W. McKenzie cricket catalogues
* A key-ring light that projects the words "Fais de beaux reves" and some stars
* Two sets of headphones
* A large Phillips screwdriver
* A library card from a town in a country I haven't lived in for three years
* Medical treatment receipts I should've sent off to reclaim for a year ago
* A ticket stub from a local arts cinema
* A squidgy foam Gaudi Parc Guel souvenir that looks more like a turtle
* The box for a Carluccio's chocolate Fiat Cinquecento
* A fly swatter

I took a moment before figuring out the thread title wasn't an instruction.

That Phillips screwdriver is just another weapon for you, isn't it?

You've got rusty eyebrows?

Not just that...

A pipe tobacco tin full of batteries

He also smokes Duracell. Hard bastard or what?

Youse lot all need to look at the ads below for desk tidying bits and pieces.

My desk is not that messy;
various dvds and check discs
beconase hayfever stuff
ibuprofen
water glass
violet flavour lip balm
oil of ulay face stuff
germolene
tissues
make-up bag (I never wear make-up)
needle and thread
small bottle of stella mccartney perfume
a few pens and paper clips and that in a little box that used to have chocolates in it but sadly no more
and a small wooden donkey that collapses when you press the bottom of the stand, we call him Emile, geddit
oh and a self help book about how to understand men

also there is various lunch items,
bananas
matzos
a cucumber
marmite (champagne marmite!)
and a jar of honey that I must take home.

That Phillips screwdriver is just another weapon for you, isn't it?

Let me just say that in an open-plan house, people can come at you from any angle. You need stuff to hand whichever way you're facing.

Where do I begin? It would be easier to list the items not on my desk.

a monitor
a keyboard
a mobile phone
a lamp
- hanging off the lamp there are two back pockets pulled from an old pair of jeans, stuffed full of notes i write to myself
the tin that a 750ml bottle of chimay blue came in, now filled with about thirty quid in change
a half-full (half empty?) cafetiere
a coffee mug
a bottle of paul masson red wine (the type with the wide mouth)
two ash-trays
a necktie (red)
a leather belt
a tobacco tin full of tobacco and rolling papers
two cigarette lighters
a canister of lighter fluid
a spare packet of rolling papers
a copy of my cv
a copy of the uk research office's 2006-2007 annual report
the charger for a nintendo ds
a samsung mp3 player
a 2gb usb stick
a roll of sellotape
my wallet
my passcard to get into my office
my keyring:
- two keys
- a fob to get in my front door
- bottle opener
- a mini-sharpie
a padded envelope containing a cd of folky songs by a friend of mine
a dutch - english dictionary
sabbath's theater by philip roth (paperback)
two free sub-vice fashion type advert mags
civilization iv complete for pc
an lp (pentastar by earth), awaiting it's maiden spin
two bank statements
three pay slips
an external hard drive
a threatening letter from some bailiffs, addressed to the man who owns this flat
a mr. scruff teabag tin, full of drawing equipment
two pencil cases also full of drawing equipment
a pair of surgical tweezers
a pinhole camera
this month's wsc
(no speedboat or cuddly toy)

there's more than i would have imagined. do i win £5?

Mini Sharpies rule.

QUOTE:
a pair of surgical tweezers

Another tweezer man. Good on you sir!