Vs BURNLEY, 1-2 (h)

Okay, I'll hold my hands up and admit it. This team, this football club, at this moment in time is not in a good place. In fact, we're in the middle of a Dianne Abbott and Michael Portillo sandwich. And that is not a good place to be. And if we don't start picking up points, we're going to get smothered in Andrew Neil mayonnaise, which is only going to make matters worse.

Vs CARDIFF, 0-3 (a)
It's never easy. Cardiff are never easy to play. We know that. Everyone knows that. So, nobody's expecting miracles. On the other hand, we are expected to maintain a certain threshold. For instance, it's one thing for a feller to make love to his father. But to make love to his father when he's been dead for two hours, that's quite another thing. That's crossing a line. And we crossed that line today, make no mistake.

Vs PRESTON, 0-2 (h)
The fans are upset. And yes, they're getting on our backs. But I can understand that. It's like, you lean into a baby's pram, right in front of the mother and yell “Ugly little CUNT!” in its face, people are going to be upset – the mother, the family, the verger as he's escorting you out of the church, the rest of the congregation. That's just something you have to live with, that's football. Sometimes, the truth hurts. But we're not going to throw the baby in the canal just yet, we're going to keep battling.

Vs BLACKPOOL, 1-5 (a)
Disappointing. Disappointing, yes. I'm disappointed, the players back in that dressing room are disappointed. But we've got to keep at it, keep our belief. I mean, you cut across a field late at night, break into a stable and pleasure a horse. You're not necessarily going to get a result straight away but you've got to be patient, keep both hands to the pump and, eventually, it will come. And then everyone's happy, you, the horse, everyone. What you could do without is having to worry about the farmer coming out in his dressing gown and slippers, with a torch in one hand and a shotgun in the other, shouting and screaming the odds are you. But that goes with the territory. This is the life, this is the horse we've chosen.

Vs SOUTHAMPTON, 1-3 (h)
You know, there are two types of people in this world. We've all done it, we've all taken a big . . . well, I shan't say the word while there's kids listening in but – a big dump, a number two, then you've looked back in the bowl and thought, I wonder what it'd be like to scoop that out and eat it? Now, there's some people who'd say, yeah, go for it, life's not a rehearsal, while there's others who say, hmm, no, don't want to know, I'd rather stay in my comfort zone, like. And that was us today. We lacked that little bit of adventure, that daring, especially in front of goal. What I'm trying to impress on this team, what we need to do is not be afraid to grab that stool with both hands otherwise we're in danger of flushing everything away.

Vs COVENTRY, 0-4 (h)
It wasn't the result we were looking for, no. And it's easy for heads to drop at a time like this. But it's a bit like dog crucifixion. There are always going to be the naysayers trying to mess with your mind. You've got the RSPCA lot saying it's cruel, you've got the Christians saying it's sacrilegious or whatever, and you know, you can't please everybody. But what you do, you block out those negative voices, you pull the dog back by the ears, take the hammer out from between your teeth and nail its paws to the door, job done. And then the whining stops but until then, by Heaven! That's football. All it takes is a bit of belief in yourself and for people to believe in you in turn and what you're trying to do with this dog, this club.

Vs CHARLTON, 0-5 (a)
The Chairman? No problems. He's said again this week that he's backing me to the hilt. We've an excellent relationship. It's like, you masturbate in front of my kids, I'll masturbate in front of yours, that's football, it's about mutual trust and confidence and honesty. Give me the tissue and I'll do the job.

Are those Ian Holloway quotes?

I was trying to find the words but, you know.

Dog crucifixion. You bastard.

Thank fuck I didn't read that at work.

Still sniggering.

QUOTE:
But we're not going to throw the baby in the canal just yet,

Nothing to add.

I really like this.

"...you pull the dog back by the ears..."

Inspired.

Fantastic. It was the dog crucifixion line that did it for me.

I'm getting some seriously funny looks here. That's brilliant. I too could only think of Ian holloway.

I got halfway through the Preston one and realised that I couldn't carry on at work without being escorted from the building.

QUOTE:
It's like, you lean into a baby's pram, right in front of the mother and yell “Ugly little CUNT!” in its face, people are going to be upset – the mother, the family, the verger as he's escorting you out of the church, the rest of the congregation.

The mental image his produced as me giggling like a loon.

I kept thinking of Kevin Keegan during his first couple of months back at Newcastle.

Brilliant stuff as ever, wingco.

<standing ovation>

I'd just taken a drag on a cigarette as I read the bit that Pan Tau quoted. I nearly choked my guts up.

How much longer can Wingco resist the lure of the Old Firm?

This is fantastic.

So fantastic, it spurred me to try and picture it in my mind's eye, the results of which may be found here. Sorry about that.

Heh, this is great.