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posted 03-10-2008 10:36
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The nation discovers a new shaving grace
By Kevin Myers
Friday October 03 2008
Sarah Palin was recently asked what the Bush Doctrine was. She appeared not to know that it was a pre-emptive strike, in which Bush's military experts will use laser-guided technology to snuff out the enemy. Well, in Ireland, the doctrine works the other way round: experts user lasers to snuff out the bush.
After a decade of Ireland being the tanning-centre of Europe, we now appear to be capital of lasering, in which vast swathes of female pubic hair are daily sizzled into extinction.
If I seem unhealthily knowledgeable about this, it is because Nigella Lawson was extensively depilated, and wrote about the experience. The body-hair is first shaved, and the root is then lethally zapped with amplified light. She did not explain what happened to all the excised hair. Perhaps it is fed to cattle, or recycled as doormats.
Anyway, lasering is now big business in Ireland. For we are a hairy people. Whereas Swedes might have a winsome tuft of flaxen down, the Irish tend to have huge thatches of bramble, and thickets of gorse.
And instead of the razor which I daresay skipped lightly over Nigella's groin, initial depilation in Ireland is probably done with a machete, followed by an industrial strimmer, after which the Hibernian she-pores are then lasered free of their unfortunate hair roots.
Now this trend might well have resulted in an epidermal revolution, in which the only Irish owners of pubic follicles were the owners of bollicles. Possessors of ovaries would meanwhile boast porcelain where once there was (to use current parlance) a hedge-fund. And if a Shire-like surface was not always sought, one might find a little eyebrow-like minge-fringe, a little grass verge alongside the highway of life.
However, the announcement of EU plans to introduce body-scanners at airports might well change all that. These scanners will, in essence, strip the clothes off the body, revealing all to the watching security guards, even the genitalia. Watch out for the flood of job applications from terrorist-loathing schoolboys, aged 17, dedicated to making sure that none of the girls of their local school as they embark on their school hockey trip abroad, is carrying a bomb anywhere about her person.
Now it's one thing for a woman to resemble a cloven billiard ball, and to be seen by her husband, boyfriend or lover; quite another for her new acres of glittering marble to be viewed, live, by the new generation of teenage airport security guards. So is this the end of the laser clinic, which made Ireland the laseropolis of the world? Well, with a little bit of lateral thinking, it might not come to that. History can come to our rescue here.
In the middle-ages, when possession of pubic hair was seen an evidence of rude good health, and its absence was regarded as a symptom of venereal disease, the merkin -- a pubic wig -- came into its own. (The word merkin, by the way, comes from the female name Maud, thereby giving a whole new meaning to Maud Gonne). In the absence -- for whatever reason -- of nature's own covering, the merkin was (somehow or other) attached to the owner's body. And here I get a little vague on these matters, because -- without a powerful superglue or Velcro -- it seems unlikely the wig would remain still during the activities which it was intended to cause in the first place.
That was then, of course. Today, happily, we have all manner of adhesive material to ensure the merkin does not end up around its owner's ankles; and so, in addition to offering to provide their clients with their very own little ice-skating rink south of the umbilicus, our new laser-studios can also provide them with merkins for-modesty -- to be donned whenever their owners are going through airports.
Indeed, a woman of fashion can have a variety of pubic peruke, just as she has many different kinds of shoe, according to the airport she is travelling through. She can have the Afro, all lustrous and curly, or the Scandi-scant, which is blond and light and coiffed, or the Maureen O'Hara, which is like a flaming sunset in the orient, or the Butch Lezzie, which apparently consists of two Tasmanian Devils sewn together, and which could well put the lads in security off sex for life.
Thus is born a brand-new branch of economic theory, namely merkinomics, in which an entire industry is built around removing something natural from the human body, at great expense, only then to replace it with something manmade (as we used to say).
One thing bothers me. Since the EU, in all its wisdom, has allowed millions of Muslims to move within its borders, how is any airport going to be able to scan Islamicist women, when they cover not merely the hair on their head, but in some cases even their eyebrows? Do the EU security chiefs really believe that, though we mere Kaffirs are not even allowed to see the flowing locks on these fine lasses' scalps, those foreskinned infidels in security are going to be permitted to gaze in detail upon their badgers down below?
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posted 03-10-2008 10:47
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What's a bollicle?
Likening someone's pelvic mound to 'a flaming sunset in the orient'...indelible!
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posted 03-10-2008 10:48
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bollicle = bollock
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